A LITTLE HOLY NUMBER

siffran åtta, - enligt pythagoras det lilla heliga numret.
där är vi nu. i den åttonde månaden.
det är ju december, men här fortfarande som om mild höst.
människor sitter fortfarande, om än i flera lager stickat, på caféernas
vippiga stolar utomhus och vänder sig mot den, trots allt,
- något bleka vintersolen.
vi äter äggröra på rostat surdegsbröd och delar en kanna earl grey.
kvar i luften ligger morgonens besök hos barnmorskan.
hon har stålgrått hår, glada ögon & känns bekant sådär som vissa gör.
hon mäter liten där inne till 35 centimeter i sin 35e vecka.
forgive the cold hands, my love, säger hon och trycker på magen.


do you feel ready to be parents?
fortsätter hon med ett litet léende, men ändå frågande.
m blinkar, bländad av morgonsolen och
randig av ljus silat genom hennes trä jalusier.
yes, säger han léende.
de mörka ögonen glittrar, bottenlös kärlek.
sedan jag. alltid ärlig. eller hudlös. eller vad det nu är.
säger det som det kommer till mig, utan att väga det först; 
it’s funny how..
the closer we get the more real it becomes.
and also the more unreal. 

för så känns det för mig. trots magen.
trots att jag känner hans konturer där inne, ser magen bölja sig
och en oförklarlig kärlek växa sig större med vågorna.
jag känner mig som om ute på just ett enormt hav, ett okänt.
jag kan se strand nu, något suddigt i horisonten,
men vet inte vilket land som väntar.


jag tänker, undrar högt;
finns det något Ni önskade att Ni visste innan?
något Ni önskat att Ni gjort, eller inte gjort,
under den där tiden när nytt land fortfarande väntade där framme?
Ni där ute med de där små världarna, nu redan vid Er sida.

 

kärlek till Er,
alla Ni där ute som längtar, undrar, planerar,
ser tillbaka på, - eller fram emot,
Ni som mist taget eller just omfamnat,

h

image n°1 | baby sister e shoots us when the family visits 
(and i edit) - thank you for saving this for me..
image n°2 | selfportrait silk is one of the photos in the
new LW mood board portfolio and so is 
image n°3 | alaïa - a portrait of model and muse lina lindholm
both sold by LW as fine art prints in that new set 
image n°4 | i just love to scribble on paper.
sometimes i throw it out. sometimes it’s saved.
sometimes it’s somewhere in between.
this particular little holy number 8 was hand drawn by
my amazing friend and illustrator sara n bergman
© hannah lemholt photography 



//



number eight, - by the pythagoreans called the little holy number.
that’s where we are now. in the eighth month.
it's december in the calendar, but as if mild autumn outside.
people still sit, albeit in several layers of knitwear,
on the outdoor chairs of the coffee shops
faces turned towards, the after all, - slightly pale winter sun.
we eat scrambled eggs on toasted sourdough
and share a pot of earl grey.
lingering in the air is this morning’s visit to the midwife.
she has steel gray hair, happy eyes
and feel familiar,  like some people just do.
she measures the small one inside to be
35 centimeters in his 35th week.
forgive the cold hands, my love, she says,
pressing and feeling the bump.


do you feel ready to become parents?
she says with a smile, but nevertheless questioningly.
m is blinking, blinded by the morning sun and
striped by light sieved through her wooden shutters.
yes, he says. smiling big.
the dark eyes glistening, bottomless love.
and then there’s me. always achingly honest.
or thin skinned. or whatever it is.
saying it exactly as it comes to me, without weighing it;
it's funny how..
the closer we get the more real it becomes.
and the more unreal.

because that’s what it feels like to me. despite the big bump.
even though i, almost constantly now, feel his contours in there,
can see the belly flowing in waves of shapes.
and feel an inexplicable love grow with every surge.
i feel as if out at just that, - a huge sea, an unknown.
i can see the shore now, somewhat blurred in the horizon,
but i have no idea what country is waiting for me.


i’m thinking out loud,
is there something you wished you would have known beforehand?
something you wished that you have done, or not done,
as that new land was waiting for you up ahead?
you out there with those tiny worlds, - already at your side.


my love to you,
you out there who’s longing, wondering, planning,
looking back on - or forward to.
to those of you who has lost and buried,
or just newly embraced,

h